“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” -1 Corinthians 13:12
Soooo I made the mistake of going grocery shopping at Publix the day before Valentines Day. Smooth move, Kels….I walked in to find a busted bag of colorful “Necco Hearts” all over the floor that read “Be Mine” and “Call me!” Above that were half deflated heart balloons, and to the right, picked-over flower bouquets. I just wanted laundry detergent and spinach. That was it. After I stood behind all 7 of the men in front of me buying boxes of chocolates and flowers, I was able to go home and wash my clothes. Such love those men have…I’m sure their significant others will love them just as much as I love the smell of Tide right now….aaahhh.
This blog is a little deeper than the others, but I definitely felt the need to in this post. Life has been good these past few months. I have an amazing family, amazing friends, a beautiful niece who I adore with everything in me, and have been so blessed with a great job…My life looks pretty good from the outside. The reality of it is, some days are secretly hard. Some days are too long. Some days I want to cry and ask God “why?” I still have those days.
……some days, I do cry.
I just visited a friend a friend who is having a really hard time with her back. You don’t realize what you have, until you don’t have it anymore. The joy of being active and mobile is a gift. The reality of it is, yes…….God promises his unconditional love, but he doesn’t promise life will be easy. Sitting next to her in church while visiting, watching her lift her hands to God in the midst of that pain….that picture has resonated in my heart. How she loves in the midst of suffering is just a small glimpse of his love for us.
My mom just lost lost her twin sister over a year ago. The terms and conditions on which she was taken baffled all of us. Not my Aunt Toni. Not that way. I watched my mom question. Over and over….
Life is mind-boggling. The obstacles we encounter. The people we meet. The relationships we make. The relationships we break…it’s all a mystery…but it’s a part of his plan. Why? Because he loves us. And just as much as I will never understand grace, I will struggle to understand that HIS LOVE is in the middle of all of these messes. Some way and some how….but he promises that.
I struggle with when will I feel it?….when will I see it?
Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.- Psalm 63:3
Better. Than. Life.
I’m on a journey to understand that steadfast love better. That agape love. The love that comforts when no other human being or thing on this earth can. In all honesty, there are days where I just don’t care to read God’s word. There are days where I feel so anxious, I truly believe he won’t come through. There are days when I want to curse at God because I don’t understand.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Meet Habakkuk. I love the picture God paints with this mans story. Can I trust God apart from tangible blessings? Can I believe when the answer to my prayer is a long time coming? Can I continue to place my confidence in him when his answer is “No” to something I’m yearning for? Can I depend on God, not because of, but in spite of, what comes my way? This man was living with “No”….but he continued to praise God. Because he knew that God LOVED HIM. I want this. I want to know that in the midst of life not moving. In the midst of grief. In the midst of “No”. In the midst of every possible worse case scenario for anyone in anyones life, God is LOVE. His grace is sufficient. His hands and literally reaching out waiting to hug you and say, “Child, I love you. You’re mine.”
As I left Publix tonight, I got in my car and “How he Loves” came on my CD coincidentally. I rolled down my windows and blasted it in the parking lot as drove out. I wasn’t making a statement. Bringing attention to my banged up Hyundai “Blue” with an expired registration date tage is the last thing I needed to do. Nope…I was feelin’ it…I was feeling LOVE. The Lord knows how music moves my soul. I had a lot on my mind and an unsettled heart. I got in that car….and that song came on.
In the cold and rainy weather, I felt that calm in my heart:
“Kelsey…..it’s going to be alright. I got you. I love you.”
God get’s it ya’ll. Sometimes things are awesome. Sometimes things just plain suck. He’s in it all. He’s been in my life…and it’s because he loves me. I may not always feel it. I may not always see it…and I may run away…..but when I turn back around and see him waiting with open arms….I will feast on that kind of love…that unconditional, agape love. I want more of that. That is my prayer!
“Love never fails….” -1 Corinthians 13:8